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Veröffentlicht Eske Laumann | Mittwoch, 8. November 2017

I have also a pretty taste in abysses and bottomless chasms and everything else that emphasises a fine shade of distinction between one thing and another; and the warm affection I have always felt for bridges is connected with the fact that the dark and dizzy arch accentuates the chasm even more than the chasm itself. Adults like the comic Sandford and Merton. That is, I held the whole idea of repentance and absolution implicit but not unfolded in my mind.

The incident is in more ways than one a glimpse of the tone and talk of those distant days. But a light began to break on my father, who had thought his way through all the High Church and Broad Church movements and was well-read in such things. But if I really want to be realistic about those remote days, I must scratch around till I find something not too much blunted to scratch me; something sufficiently forgotten to be remembered.

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I know, from experience of bereavements only a little later, that children feel with exactitude, without a word of explanation, the emotional tone or tint of a house of mourning. We knew all the great names of the Whig aristocrats who had made the Revolution and incidentally their own fortunes and those names were written conspicuously all over the Kensington estates. It is rather more definite than the difference between pitch dark and daylight, or between having a toothache and not having a toothache. On this was based the great constructive theory that the elder master who was one of the most important persons in the school was in fact only a clock-work figure, which they carried about with them and wound up to go through his daily round. That did not mean that the drama of wood, like the other drama of cardboard, did not reveal to me real ideas and imaginations, and give me glorious glimpses into the possibilities of existence. My friend and I were sitting side by side, hopeless of any enlivenment except from the speaker's solemnity; when the whole assembly was startled as by a thunderclap.

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It was a period of increasing strain. The street opposite where we came to live bore the name of Addison; the street of our later sojourn the name of Warwick, the step-son of Addison. The girl with the yellow hair is an early memory, in the sense in which some of the others have inevitably become later memories, at once expanded and effaced. But I mention this vague background of the great Kensington Estate for another reason. If he had proposed that we should conquer and rule the British Empire, I could not have been more staggered; but he dismissed it as casually as he had called it up, and then proposed in cold blood that we should publish a magazine of our own; and have it printed at a real printer's.

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I mean that modern novelists and others have started a trick of writing as if the old middle-class home was almost always a private lunatic asylum, with the lunatic in charge; as in the case of the exceedingly Mad Hatter who inhabited Hatter's Castle. Outside the shop there was the figure of a White Cow as a sort of pendant to the figure of the White Horse; the one standing at the beginning of my new journey and the other at the end. I saw the distinction perfectly clearly when I was a child; I wish I saw it half as clearly now. All my life I have loved edges; and the boundary-line that brings one thing sharply against another. On the contrary, it is a true story.

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But on the other side my mother came of Scottish people, who were Keiths from Aberdeen; and for several reasons, partly because my maternal grandmother long survived her husband and was a very attractive personality, and partly because of a certain vividness in any infusion of Scots blood or patriotism, this northern affiliation appealed strongly to my affections; and made a sort of Scottish romance in my childhood. My own father and uncles were entirely of the period that believed in progress, and generally in new things, all the more because they were finding it increasingly difficult to believe in old things; and in some cases in anything at all. At least they were unknown to the Greeks who wrote the prose and poetry that was thought worth studying; and were invented by grammarians, I believe, at the time of the Renaissance. The secret that each of us did in fact possess a family, and parents who paid for our support, was conventionally ignored and only revealed in moments of maddened revenge. Now children and adults are both fanciful at times; but that is not what, in my mind and memory, distinguishes adults from children.

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It might have spoilt his career; his private career. Class-conscious we are, class-conscious we'll be; Till our foot's on the necks of the bourgeoisie,. I was not only grateful for the fun, but I came to feel grateful for the very fittings and apparatus of the fun; the four-cornered tower of canvas with the one square window at the top, and everything down to the minimum of conventional and obviously painted scenery. I dare not think how it ended.

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I remember making my father laugh very much by telling him of the old Scots ballad with the line,. At least they were unknown to the Greeks who wrote the prose and poetry that was thought worth studying; and were invented by grammarians, I believe, at the time of the Renaissance. I was very often naughty in childhood like other children; and I never doubted for a moment the moral of all the moral tales; that, as a general principle, people ought to be unhappy when they have been naughty. It arose merely from our walking behind three of the masters; two of them, who were young and tall, had between them a third, who was old and very small; so that there seemed a vague suggestion that they were supporting him. Brother Fire, whom St. Anyhow, there has been a change from a middle-class that trusted a business man to look after money because he was dull and careful, to one that trusts a business man to get more money because he is dashing and worldly.

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It never occurred to these people that anybody could possibly admire a man for being what we call daring in speculation, any more than a woman for being what we call daring in dress. For the sequel of the story, it is necessary to attempt this first and hardest chapter of the story: And anybody who will think for two minutes will see that this thought is the end of all thinking.

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I know, from experience of bereavements only a little later, that children feel with exactitude, without a word of explanation, the emotional tone or tint of a house of mourning. I remember making my father laugh very much by telling him of the old Scots ballad with the line,. Third; I have noted that I enjoyed Punch and Judy as a drama and not a dream; and indeed the whole extraordinary state of mind I strive to recapture was really the very reverse of a dream. Carr would fix him with a sphinxlike visage and say in hollow but resounding tones, Boundless Space! But in my own household, as I have said, it was not a question of one hobby but a hundred hobbies, piled on top of each other; and it is a personal accident, or perhaps a personal taste, that the one which has clung to my memory through life is the hobby of the toy theatre.

And I may remark in passing that, having lived to see Mafeking Night and the later Jingo lyrics, I have retained a considerable respect for those old and pompous patriotic songs. It was a period of increasing strain. Why should it specially do so at that time of life?

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We have read countless pages about love brightening the sun and making the flowers more flamboyant; and it is true in a sense; but not in the sense I mean. Anyhow, this is not merely my own belated opinion in an age of reaction. The patient reader may yet discover that these dark hints have something to do with the ensuing mystery of my misguided existence, and even with the crime that comes before the end.

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At the worst it turned at last into a vulgar victory of sweating and swindling. But I believe multitudes would admit their early affection for the moral tale, if they still had the moral courage. I will here sum up in four statements, which will look very like puzzles upon this page. Third; I have noted that I enjoyed Punch and Judy as a drama and not a dream; and indeed the whole extraordinary state of mind I strive to recapture was really the very reverse of a dream.

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But when I remember that these forgotten crayons contained a stick of light-red, seemingly a more commonplace colour, the point of that dull red pencil pricks me as if it could draw red blood. If this were a ruthless realistic modern story, I should of course give a most heartrendering account of how my spirit was broken with disappointment, on discovering that the prince was only a painted figure. But the point is that the savour of it could then be found in scores of quite worthy and obscure people; certainly much more worthy than the blatantly Pecksniffian person with the prayer-book; and much more obscure than the eccentric but efficient, and even eminent, prison governor and reformer. But they had, for instance, a fixed feeling that there was something rather raffish about taking a cab. To use a trade term of the period, this indescribable sort of relish was by no means only a gentlemen's relish. Our jokes were all domestic or developed out of the daily affairs of the school; but they covered enough waste paper to stock a library.

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